I do not know why I wake up at 5 in the morning. I need all the rest I can get. The past three weeks have been very stressful. I am ready to start sharing my story. I feel this is a story that should be written down. It is full of emotions and I do need some form of an outlet. My audience shall be my counselor. I think that writers become very vulnerable when they express such raw emotions. That is what helps them be good at what they do. Taking that leap of faith is hard. My writing will be at times random and all over the place. That is because my brain is doing the same thing.

My husband Chuck is in the hospital. About three weeks ago he had a meltdown. He told someone that he knew I was having an affair and they better tell him who it was because he was going to go kill them. I have been going to work at my new job around five in the morning, I got this job so I could pay for Chucks medication. Chuck also feels a need to grocery shop every other day. He also consumes large amounts of Diet Coke. He also likes to eat out. The lifestyle is expensive. Chuck has become increasingly non-compliment with budget cuts in our home. I had a system. I would give him meds in the morning and he would be ok until I came home around 4 in the afternoon. One day at work he called me at work over 30 times telling me he was sick and needed to go to the hospital. He was threatening suicide. I am not having an affair. I adore Chuck. Even if I was tempted, which I am not, I have no time in my world for such a thing.

I did not take that lightly. I had taken him to the ER two days earlier for suicidal and homicidal comments. They did not have any available rooms and set us up in the hallway. After a while they found us a room. I was told that they were swamped and really did not have the facility to treat suicidal patients. With COVID their hospital was at capacity. A clinician interviewed Chuck via Skype and the iPad and it was determined that Chuck was not a threat to himself or to anyone else. We were sent home.

Two days later I took him to a larger hospital. They determined he needed care at a physchological facility. He was in there for two weeks. I was not allowed to visit him.He was not allowed his telephone. I would call him daily on a phone that did not work half the time. I noticed a decline in Chuck’s speech pattern. I was scheduled to get him out on a Thursday. That morning I went to work. I would work that morning and take off early to pick him up at 2 in the afternoon. I was excited to get my husband home. On the way to work I got a call from our daughter. She told me Chuck had been taken to the ER downtown Fort Worth. He had fallen and had been having seizures. That was the last day I worked.

Now Chuck has been at the downtown hospital for over three weeks. He has been put in restraints because he became aggressive with me and the nurses trying to find opportunities to escape. He is not allowed to get up to go to the bathroom because he may fall. He is on four different seizure medications. It is heart reaching.

They were ready to move him to a skilled nursing facility so he could get stronger. We tried removing the restraints because he could not go to a facility if they were on. He did not pass the test and became aggressive again. So they were going to move him to a physc ( I can’t spell) but he has to be medically sound to be able to do that. His ammonia levels are elevated. They are not able to get them down. This is an indicator of liver disease. Now I believe he is going to be treated for liver failure.

I put this all I God’s will. it is not like I have any control. I pray for God to make this easiest for Chuck and for him to either heal him or to take him. I do not wish to see him suffer in this manner. I am also selfish and do not want him to be taken from me.

So I am up at 5:30 getting ready to start another day of going to the hospital and seeing what God has in store for us. Chuck is the love of my life and I miss him terribly. Please pray for us to have strength through this trial.

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